Life Goes On
by Saltygoodness
Summary: After “Not Fade Away,” Buffy takes a trip in search of the man that she thought she’d lost. But does he still exist? Angsty, oneshot.


Life Goes On

By: Saltygoodness

Summary: After "Not Fade Away," Buffy takes a trip in search of the man that she thought she'd lost. But does he still exist? Angst-y, one-shot.

Disclaimer: Obviously, the characters in this story are not mine. They are the property of Joss Whedon, UPN, Mutant Enemy, etc. I own nothing except for the stories that I write to help my Spuffy obsessed self sleep at night.

Feedback: Please. I love it, need it, and it helps get the wheels in my head turning. Tell me what you think. Pretty please with chocolate covered Spike on top.

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Northern California was always beautiful in the Springtime. The cherry blossoms were just beginning to make themselves known, and the cheerful yellow daffodils scattered across many a yard, a bright contrast to the dark green grass around them. The sun seemed to always shine at its brightest, leaving darkened shadows to litter the concrete as the nice Suburban town people made their way across town.

Buffy walked down the crowded city street, small paper clutched tightly in her hand, as she surveyed the many houses that made up the town. Her long, honey blonde hair fell even to the middle of her back, covering her shoulders and neck from the sun's rays. Her light sun dress clung to her petite form, and fell to the tops of her shapely calves, and her little tan sandals flipped flopped on the ground beneath her feet with every step. The deep red cherry prints the adorned her otherwise white dress told everyone who happened to take the time to look at her that she was just as innocent as her soft pretty face portrayed her to be.

She wasn't sure why she had come here. She knew she was just a glutton for punishment. The others had tried to explain the fact that things were not the same. They would not be the same again. But still she had come, probably to quell the endless ache that had filled up her soul when the Hellmouth had collapsed, and try to patch up what was left of her dream of a normal life.

When Angel had come to her a year after the end of Sunnydale with the news of Spike's return, she had been beside herself. When he had explained that when the seer had informed him that the younger vampire was back among the land of the living, he had also told him that he was actually, ya know, back in the land of the living. He had shanshued, and been given new life. As in a beating heart, a nice Californian tan, and a brand new memory of his brand new life-one that didn't include her in it at all.

She had felt even worse than if Angel hadn't told her he was back in the first place. To have him back in the same world as her and then to lose in an instant later was just too cruel. She was beginning to think that the Powers That Be liked making her miserable, what with the way they always seemed to throw curve ball after curve ball in her direction every time she find something remotely resembling happiness.

After speaking to Dawn and Willow, Buffy had come to the conclusion that she was not going to interfere in Spike's life. She would let him have this. As much as the thought of him moving on with someone else and having a normal human life, without even knowing that she existed hurt her somewhere deep inside, she would let him be. At least one of them would have a semi-normal existence. She could only hope that he was happy. He deserved it.

She had been doing good too, up until now. Or, well, something along the lines of good…

It was in the near vicinity of good, anyway.

After drowning her sorrows in more Tequila than the human body could handle, she had made the grave mistake of going over to Xander's apartment, where they both cried their eyes out-her for Spike, and he for Anya, and then everything changed.

She had somehow ended up sleeping with her best friend, and then to make matters worse, Xander obviously thought that it had meant more to him than it actually did to her, and had talked about moving in together and maybe even getting married. She freaked when she heard this, and flat out told him that she was still in love with Spike, and wasn't ready to get married.

Hell, she wasn't sure if she would ever get married.

Xander had taken it pretty hard though, and after many attempts to win her over, he gave up and took off for parts unknown. Only Willow knew where he was now, and she seemed to think it was for the best to keep it that way. Buffy was just sad that her stupid decisions had managed to cost her another person she called a friend.

That had been six months ago, and Buffy was now in some nameless town North of Modesto that Angel's seers had located Spike to be in. She just had to see him. She didn't have to talk to him, or let him know that she was there. Besides, it wasn't like he would recognize her if he did. She smiled sadly at that thought, and turned down another long street, completely lost.

Making eye contact with a little brown-haired girl walking down the street with her mother, she smiled. The blue eyed girl smiled back politely, and sent a small wave him Buffy's direction. Buffy waved back, and watched as the two made their way into the main part of town where she had just came from.

Checking the street sign, Buffy sighed and smiled. Finally. She had found the right street. Now all she had to do was match up the numbers on the many houses with the ones on written sloppily on her crinkled piece of paper.

When she came to a stop in front of an impressive looking old Victorian style house, not unlike the one her mother had owned in Sunnydale, she smiled nervously. Now what? Should she wait outside to see if he came out to start his day? Maybe hide in the bushes? The neighbors would probably think she as crazy and call the cops. She laughed out loud. That's just what she needed right now, too.

Deciding to try her luck, she walked up the long sidewalk, and climbed the stairs to the porch. Coming to a stop directly in front of the large oak door, she lifted a hand to knock, then paused. What the hell was she doing? He didn't know her; Would probably think she was some escaped loony from the pen, and call the police on her. And even if he didn't, what was she going to say to him? _Hey, you used to know me back when you were a vampire and then you died and I desperately needed to find you to let you know that I really did love you?_

Actually, that was sounding better and better…

She didn't get to finish her thought, because just then the door flew open, and she came face to face with a confused looking Spike.

"Can I help you?"

Buffy froze, hazel eyes going comically wide, and mouth opening and closing like a little fish out of water. She desperately tried to think of something to say to him, pausing briefly to give him the once over. And then the second and third over.

He looked good. Really good, in fact.

Sparkling blue eyes that seemed to pierced into her very soul, like they always had before. The once pale skin of his perfect angular face had seen a lot of sun it seemed, and was a soft tan color that made her body heat up rapidly. She had thought he looked good all in black with pale skin, but this? Navy blue pin stripped suit covered his body, the jacket left undone as though he knew she would want to see as much of him as she could. The white button up shirt underneath was adorned with a very expensive looking gray tie that left Buffy with the deep urge to grab it and yank it hard to draw him closer.

The only thing that was different was his hair, which now appeared to be his natural color. It was dark, a sandy blonde color that Buffy immediately decided looked just as good on him as the bleached look he has been fond of in Sunnydale. It was the same length, but the curls had been left un-gelled, and disheveled atop his head. Just the way she liked it.

"Are you alright, pet?"

That seemed to snap her out of her thoughts, and she choked on her words. "Y-yes."

He tilted his head the way that made him absolutely the sexiest man she had ever seen. "Can I help you with something?"

"I-I'm just visiting. I was looking for someone. I was told he lived here." Buffy told him in a voice that sounded calmer than she was.

He nodded, licking his lips. "Well, I've been here quite a few years myself. Maybe I can help you find 'im."

She gulped hard. "Y-yeah, maybe."

"What's his name?"

"Spike."

He laughed at this, finding the name absolutely ridiculous, which only seemed to remind Buffy of the fact that she had been trying to suppress.

They were complete strangers.

"What kind of name is _that_?"

"A good one." She bit back. Hoe dare he insult _her _Spike.

He held up his hands in surrender. "Hey, sorry, pet. Didn't mean anything by it. Just a kinda poncy name, is all?"

"Oh? And what is _your_ name?"

"William."

"William what?"

"William Pratt. Born March eighth 1979 at one, twenty in the morning."

Buffy scoffed. He was mocking her, and it was really pissing her off.

"Since we're sharing essentials, how 'bout your name, luv?"

"My name's _Buffy_." She said it in a way that sounded like he should have already have known it, and when he didn't so much as blink, her heart sunk.

She felt faint. This had been a colossal mistake.

"Buffy." He said thoughtfully, rolling the name around in his mouth like he was tasting wine. "I like it. Parents were hippies then, yeah?"

She ignored his last remark.

"Look, pet. I've been living in this house since the late eighties with my mum, and I've never met a Spike before."

She nodded, expecting this, but not expecting how much it still hurt to hear. She must have looked like she was feeling, which was very much like she was gonna burst out and start crying, because he reached a hand out to her, grasping her shoulder.

"You okay, pet. You look like you might toss your cookies."

She blinked, looking down at his hand on her bare skin, and shivered. It was then that she realized that he had reached out to her with his left hand, and had unknowingly flashed her a heartbreakingly up close look at his golden wedding band.

Wedding band. Spike was married. To someone other than her. To someone he probably thought he met a long time ago, in his completely made up life. It was like Dawn, and the false memories all over again. Only this time she actually had to live remembering what life had been like before they were created.

She felt sick. Maybe she was gonna throw up.

"I-I'm fine." He didn't look at all convinced, and didn't remove his hand. "Really."

He nodded and let go, stepping back. "Look, you want me to call someone? A friend or boyfriend that can come and get you?"

She shook her head violently. "I don't have a boyfriend."

He smiled a flirtatiously. "Somehow, I find that hard to believe. You're quite the looker, aren't you, pet?"

She looked up at him sharply, confused at why he was blatantly flirting with her if her was married.

"That's nice of you to say, but please don't." She told him a clipped tone.

He actually looked offended at her words for an instant, but quickly covered it up. "Hey, no need to go and get all bloody wound up. I was only being polite."

"Well, don't!" She shouted.

"Fine!"

Silence filled the air for a moment, then:

"Look, I'm sorry I came. It was stupid of me to think-" She stopped herself, a sob catching I her throat.

"Oi, pet!" He sighed regretfully, reaching out to her again, but she stepped back, and nearly fell off of the porch. He leap forward however, and she fell haphazardly into his outstretched arms. They both went straight to the ground, his arms never letting go.

Buffy looked up to find his concerned azure orbs focused solely on her. She blinked rapidly, trying to remember to breathe regularly. He looked stunned for a moment, then tilted his head thoughtfully, as if seeing her for the first time. Slowly he bent his head down, his eyes now locked on her suddenly dry lips.

_Oh, God, he's going to kiss me. He remembers! He has to feel something._

As soon as their lips made the barest connection, however, he seemed to come to his senses, and pulled away, helping her to her feet, while putting distance between them.

"I'm sorry."

She fought the urge to tell him she loved him, and looked down. He saw this, and felt the need to explain. "Look, I'm bloody tempted. Really I am. But I'm married, pet."

He waved his left hand in front of her face for a quick moment. "Can't bloody do anything to muck up my family, now can I ."

"Family?" Buffy asked. _Oh, God_. She thought. _I just saw the ring and assumed he was married, but with a family. Her Spike with kids? To someone else?_

He nodded, almost solemnly she noticed. "Yeah, my wife, Anna. She just left to take or daughter, Kayla to school."

Buffy frowned, remembering the pretty brunette, with the blue eyed little girl that had waved at her.

Spike's family.

Somehow the idea didn't seem real. Spike's family wasn't those people. It was her and Dawn. How could he really have forgotten _everything_ the had endured together. It hurt her head and heart to even think about it.

"Look, this guy you're searchin' for," He paused, waiting for her to meet his eyes. "He an old boyfriend?"

She nodded silently, and he returned the gesture.

"Well, he ain't here, pet. Been here almost all o' m'life. I would've known."

Buffy just nodded again, turning and sitting down on the porch step. Her body hunched over and her head fell into her hands.

He just stood there watching for a moment, then sit down beside her. Not knowing what to do or how to help her, he just let his hand fall to the back of her shoulder and patted it softly, hoping it was the right thing. She stiffened for an instant before relaxing.

"Pet?" He didn't know why he was whispering, but somehow it felt right.

She lifted her head slowly, and he frowned at her tear-stained cheeks. "Oh, God. I shouldn't have come here. They told me it would be bad, and it was. I' m such fool. Believing that somehow the powers were on my side. Why would they be, when it seems to be so much more fun to torture me than to help me. My God, everything I've done these last nine years, and this is how I get repaid?

"I thought that if I came here, you would know. They told me that you didn't remember anything-that it was part of your reward, but I didn't believe it. I thought that you would look at me, and see me, and then just…_know._ But you didn't, and now I've got no where else to go, and I'm completely alone."

She started sobbing violently, and he was beyond confused at her words, but she continued anyway.

"I should have just told you when I had the chance, before the Hellmouth- before all of it! I knew it before, but I held back, and now it's too late! You didn't believe me then and you probably wouldn't believe me now, a-and now all I have left is a complete messy batch of burnt cookies!

"I left them in too long, and now the ends are all crusty and completely inedible. I mean who really wants to eat burnt cookies! I'm _hopeless!_"

The silence returned momentarily, but he finally broke it.

"Look, I'm not even going to bloody ask what the hell you're talking about, because I have the strange feeling that I'm not gonna like what you'll tell me if I do. But the whole cookies thing? That's what I'm not following."

She looked up at him, and had a strange expression on her face, like she had forgotten that he was there. She breathed a shaky breath, and met his eyes.

"'Bout a year or so ago, I gave one of my ex's this crazy analogy about me being cookie dough, and not ready to commit to a real relationship. I told him that I needed to finish baking and find myself before I could truly be with anyone. But shortly after that, my current boyfriend, Spike…well, something happened to him, and he had to go away. I told him that I loved him for the first time right before, but he didn't believe me, and now I needed to find him to let him know that I _did _mean it, and that I'm ready. I'm cookies. But he isn't here anymore, not really, and I left them in the oven too long." She stopped, sighed, and laughed bitterly. "So, yeah, burnt Buffy cookies."

He smiled, somehow understanding what she said, and wanting to help her. "Look, I'm gonna be late for work. We can go inside if you want, and I'll just call off-"

"No." She cut him off, shaking her head slowly. "Please don't do that. I'll be fine. I have to get going too."

They both stood.

"Where to?" He asked, curiously.

She shrugged, looking around them at all the expensive looking suburban houses, before looking back at him. "Don't really know. Somewhere. Anywhere."

He smiled. "It was nice meeting you, Buffy. I hope you find what you're looking for."

She smiled tightly at him, before turning to leave, not saying a word. She stopped when she heard him call out her name.

Looking back, she found him with a playful smirk on his face, and he looked almost like _her_ Spike. She loved and hated it at the same time.

She waited for him to speak, and when he did, she was speechless.

"I happen to _love_ burnt cookies, pet."

His smirk stayed in place, and she found herself smiling back at him, a tiny amount of grief leaving her.

Then with a soft nod, she turned and walked away.

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A/N: Please review, and come friend me at LJ: http/crzy-taco-lady. 


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